I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
