this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
