my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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