i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
