Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
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