btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
