Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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