pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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