Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
