Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
