I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
