put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
