The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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