the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
