i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
