If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
