I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
My dick has a subreddit
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
