you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
