His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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