i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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