I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
