Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
