How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
