you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
