I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
