I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
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