ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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