Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Randomize
