he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
