Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
