I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
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