headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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