my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
