apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
