i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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