Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
