we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
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