i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
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