i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
