Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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