Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Randomize
