Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
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He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
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All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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