I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
