A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
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