my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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