If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
What a dumb baby whore.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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