Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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