Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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