i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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