i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
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