Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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