I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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