i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize