What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
