Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
