I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
she pinky promised me she was 18
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
