I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
