Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
